From one year... to the next...

Well it's been a while since I last posted so I thought I better get on with it! A lot has happened in the few weeks since I last posted. I spent two and half of those weeks in England for Christmas/NewYear, visiting friends and family. And let me tell you: It. Was. Awesome.
School finished on Dec 15th, what a relief! I was a little upset as my flight home wasn't until Dec 22nd but this turned out to be a good thing. I found out at the beginning of December that I have to find somewhere else to live (the news I referred to in a previous post) and at the time I was quite upset about it. Again?! Really?!
After a few days I started to think it could be a good thing. It's important to see these moments as opportunities rather than road blocks or failures. Things happen for a reason. Maybe it's time for more freedom and to meet new people!!
Evie, my friend from school (also mentioned in a previous post) has been helping me to find somewhere to live. Her kindness took me by surprise - and what a wonderful surprise! She doesn't really know me that well but she has gone out of her way to help me. It's reassuring to know that there are still some good souls out there. So in a few weeks I will be moving in with a friend of hers - the place is closer to school which is convenient!
Anyway, staying in the US longer helped me to figure out my living situation. Once this was done and school was finished December 22nd I flew home - so excited! The first few days I spent with my family and friends in Bradford. Christmas was quiet, but nice and I spent it with my mum, brother, his friend Caoimhe and my friend Lindsay.
New years I spent in Durham with friends from camp, we had a wonderful hostel booked in the middle of nowhere. It's great to be able to see in the new year with people I don't get to see that often. After this I went up to Scotland to stay with my friend Jillian - what a great time :)
I then went back to Bradford to see more friends and family. I finally got to meet Oscar, the latest addition to my cousin Peter's family. He is adorable!! So happy and always laughing and smiling. When I had to fly back a few days later I was very sad and it made me realise how much I miss everyone back home. Sometimes living in America can be very lonely indeed.
Going back to new years, I have to admit there were a few incidents I wasn't too happy about. I have thought long and hard about whether to talk about them in this blog. All I can say is that if I have done wrong, then I apologise. Additionally, if I did something hurtful, it was never intentional. We are all responsible for our own actions and I am willing to take responsibility for mine. I may not always be perfect, make the right decision or make the choice that sits well with everyone else. But this is who I am. And for that, I will not apologise.
For so many years I have worried about what everyone else thinks of me and I have fought so desperately to be accepted. As a child I tried hard to do everything right, so hard, but it was never good enough. I was judged on everything I did, everyday. I remember once I was shouted at for putting clips in my hair. I didn't say anything and I didn't fight back. I cried. I remember how much I hated myself for being so weak.
When I was around the age of 18, I decided I wanted to be a make-up artist. "What do you want to do that for? You'll never make it". I remember saying that it was interesting and I wanted to do something for myself. I got a two word response "how selfish". That conversation has stayed with me since that day. For days after I questioned myself: "Am I selfish?" "Why should I have to do a job that I don't like just to make other people happy?" What I realise now is that if we aren't happy, how can we possibly make other people happy? One of the greatest gifts we can give to others is to be accepting of each others differences and show that we are happy with our own lives. I may not be any where near perfect on these things, but I am sure as hell trying!!
So, finally, I am tired of fighting. One of the most important lessons I have learnt is that to be accepted by others, we first have to learn to accept ourselves. If after that people don't accept you, well, life's too short, there's plenty more that will. If you don't like me, or my choices, that's fine. I can respect that. We're all different and I believe that we all have the right to decide how we live our lives. That includes being free from judgement and criticism, and not being punished. For one. little. mistake.