I saw this on pinterest tonight, which inspired me to write: be okay with where you are, even if you know you want to change. The last few weeks I've been grappling a lot with my feelings about where I am in my life. Specifically, the choice I made to move to America to do my Master's. When I was still in the UK, I wanted to move here so badly and I did everything I could to make sure that happened. I was so unhappy at home - I disliked the place, the people, who I was. A few months after I moved here a friend said to me "the grass is not always greener..." and boy, was she right. It's not that I regret my decision to come here, I think it's just not what I expected. I think I had an idealistic view of what America would be like. ALL countries have issues. Also, leaving one country for another is not going to sort out the problems you had in the beginning; the feelings of unrest. So first lesson: do NOT have expectations. About anything. You will spend your life expecting things to be a certain way - they almost never are. This has definitely been a hard lesson for me to accept. And one I'm still learning.
So that leads me into my second lesson: learning to accept things for what they are. For so long, I have fought what is. And looking back, it was a LOT of hard work. Stress, upset and anxiety that I just didn't need. Now I'm not saying that I am able to accept every single, little thing. Sometimes you have to fight for what you believe in. But the stuff that really shouldn't be resisted; I am trying really hard. I've thought about it and reflected on it a lot and I see how pointless it is. Whether I'm happy, sad, angry; it doesn't matter. It's going to happen anyway, so it's better just to accept it and get on with life. What a lot of time I've wasted! I think it really clicked the other day. I was driving to Connecticut from Jersey and it took me 3 1/2 hours instead of 2 (due to a lot of traffic). I was miserable in the car and very unhappy! I realised that I had a choice: I could be miserable and unhappy, or, I could just accept it. It was going to happen either way. Was it really worth the hassle of working myself up into an unhappy state of mind. NO! The difficult thing was trying to change my feelings once I was already in that negative mindset. I think that's the next lesson I need to learn. Actually, if I could prevent those feelings in the first place then I could avoid that step altogether.
Finally, lesson 3, the "easiest" lesson for me to learn: being grateful. Whether it's for small things, like someone giving way to you when your driving, or big things, it's so important to be grateful. I think it's helped me to focus on what I have, rather than what I don't have. And that's not easy to do in todays materialistic world. We're constantly bombarded with advertising that tells us we need this or that to make us look, or feel better. IT'S ALL LIES. Self-worth is intrinsic, not extrinsic, like we are lead to believe. Anyway, back to being grateful. The other thing it has helped me to do, is to be more positive. I think together, these things have helped me to attract better things into my life. Maybe you don't think like that or think it's a load of rubbish. Maybe your right. Or maybe, we should all give being grateful a go and see what happens. Maybe if we are more grateful, we won't feel the need to strive for these things that we can't afford/these things that we are lead to believe will make us feel or look better. What harm can it do? You never know....
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Something to think about...
Today, I read an article in the wall street journal, entitled, "The Upside of Autism". The article states that a new study from the University of London shows that autistic people tend to process information faster and more easily than the "regular person". Basically, autism is "an alternate way of making sense of the world". That line blew me away... this is how I view autism and other so called "disorders". Then I got to the bottom of the article.... "For too long we've assumed that there is a single template for human nature, which is why we diagnose most deviations as disorders. But the reality is that there are many different kinds of minds". What a refreshing way to look at autism! For so long we have tried to make these adults and children fit into our world and what we believe to be "normal". But, maybe, we aren't the normal ones. Maybe, just maybe, we're wrong....
Monday, January 16, 2012
All mixed up?!
Well the surgery went well on Thursday and I'm all recovered. I will admit I did cheat a little... I began eating solid food a day early but I couldn't wait! And I definitely felt ready.
I don't think I really said before but the reason I had my wisdom teeth out is because... wait for it... I'm getting braces! Hmmm. luckily they're invisalign ones so you can't really see them but they do make me speak a bit funny... Last night was my first night wearing them. It went well although I do have toothache. I guess that's how it's going to be for the next 2 years. I'm sure it will all be worth it! Well that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
Since coming back from England I've been feeling a little off kilter so I decided it was time to give meditation another go. I find it quite hard and my thoughts tend to jump around a lot but I guess discipline takes practise. I managed around 15 minutes before I gave up. I definitely felt more focused and relaxed for the rest of the day though. I think I'm missing my yoga sessions too. I'm restarting those on Thursday which I'm looking forward to!
This morning I was thinking a lot about how other people perceive me. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people living in the same body. On one side there's this calm, (sometimes) patient, fairly quiet, reflective, grounded person who is quite spiritual, likes yoga, reading and meditation. Then there's this completely other Jo who can be quite wild, likes to party and makes all the wrong decisions. She is impatient, sometimes irrational, hot headed/tempered, over thinks everything and acts before engaging brain. Of course then there are all the shades in between and mixtures of the two. But which one am I?? Most of the time I don't even know myself. I mean, can I really be both?? At the same time?? How do I find a balance? Suggestions?
Later on in the day I went out to panera with the 13 year old I live with. As some of you know he has autism. He complained quite a bit before we went but when we arrived he was happy to sit and munch on a chocolate chip cookie and drink apple juice. These times are really nice because they're some of the only times he fully interacts with me. The rest of the time he's distracted by computer games or the tv. We talked a bit about children's English tv shows and he told me about some of the games he has been playing. While we were talking he kept taking hold of my hand and looking at me and giving me these big grins. Ahhh I love being able to be a part of his life.
The last thing I did was download some music from youtube. Whilst I did this I stumbled across a video by a girl with a mild form of autism. She was talking about autism and how it affects her life. It was refreshing to be able to see it from a different perspective. She talked a lot about wanting to help other people. A lot of people posted negative comments calling her a freak and lots of horrible things. It made me so sad to read what they wrote. After reading a few I had to stop. It was heartbreaking. I can't believe that in this day and age people are still so ignorant and cruel.
This lead her to post a video about how words hurt. People have told her to go commit suicide and lots of other terrible things. It made me feel so angry. Why? How can people live with themselves? On the flip side good for her for being such a strong person and continuing to post videos. Inspirational stuff.
I don't think I really said before but the reason I had my wisdom teeth out is because... wait for it... I'm getting braces! Hmmm. luckily they're invisalign ones so you can't really see them but they do make me speak a bit funny... Last night was my first night wearing them. It went well although I do have toothache. I guess that's how it's going to be for the next 2 years. I'm sure it will all be worth it! Well that's what I keep telling myself anyway.
Since coming back from England I've been feeling a little off kilter so I decided it was time to give meditation another go. I find it quite hard and my thoughts tend to jump around a lot but I guess discipline takes practise. I managed around 15 minutes before I gave up. I definitely felt more focused and relaxed for the rest of the day though. I think I'm missing my yoga sessions too. I'm restarting those on Thursday which I'm looking forward to!
This morning I was thinking a lot about how other people perceive me. Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people living in the same body. On one side there's this calm, (sometimes) patient, fairly quiet, reflective, grounded person who is quite spiritual, likes yoga, reading and meditation. Then there's this completely other Jo who can be quite wild, likes to party and makes all the wrong decisions. She is impatient, sometimes irrational, hot headed/tempered, over thinks everything and acts before engaging brain. Of course then there are all the shades in between and mixtures of the two. But which one am I?? Most of the time I don't even know myself. I mean, can I really be both?? At the same time?? How do I find a balance? Suggestions?
Later on in the day I went out to panera with the 13 year old I live with. As some of you know he has autism. He complained quite a bit before we went but when we arrived he was happy to sit and munch on a chocolate chip cookie and drink apple juice. These times are really nice because they're some of the only times he fully interacts with me. The rest of the time he's distracted by computer games or the tv. We talked a bit about children's English tv shows and he told me about some of the games he has been playing. While we were talking he kept taking hold of my hand and looking at me and giving me these big grins. Ahhh I love being able to be a part of his life.
The last thing I did was download some music from youtube. Whilst I did this I stumbled across a video by a girl with a mild form of autism. She was talking about autism and how it affects her life. It was refreshing to be able to see it from a different perspective. She talked a lot about wanting to help other people. A lot of people posted negative comments calling her a freak and lots of horrible things. It made me so sad to read what they wrote. After reading a few I had to stop. It was heartbreaking. I can't believe that in this day and age people are still so ignorant and cruel.
This lead her to post a video about how words hurt. People have told her to go commit suicide and lots of other terrible things. It made me feel so angry. Why? How can people live with themselves? On the flip side good for her for being such a strong person and continuing to post videos. Inspirational stuff.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Eeeeek!!!
I got back into the US on Monday, it was so great to see the kids!! I am feeling a little homesick but I am glad to be back. I was worried I was going to want to turn around and go straight back home when I got here. I can't believe I will be back at school next week and living in a new house!
For the next week or so I am living where I lived previously, because... tomorrow I am having surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed. Aaaarrrghhh I am freaking out (just a little bit inside!) about it. Everyone keeps making jokes about how much pain I'm going to be in! I am being anaesthetised for the procedure (the first time I have ever been anaesthetised in my life!) as I'm having all 4 teeth out, my brother's response being "Well you know what they say about anaesthetic..." Due to my previous life training as a physio, yes I do. It's noooooot goooood. I think I am more freaked about this than anything else, yikes! I guess I will update in a few days...
For the next week or so I am living where I lived previously, because... tomorrow I am having surgery to have my wisdom teeth removed. Aaaarrrghhh I am freaking out (just a little bit inside!) about it. Everyone keeps making jokes about how much pain I'm going to be in! I am being anaesthetised for the procedure (the first time I have ever been anaesthetised in my life!) as I'm having all 4 teeth out, my brother's response being "Well you know what they say about anaesthetic..." Due to my previous life training as a physio, yes I do. It's noooooot goooood. I think I am more freaked about this than anything else, yikes! I guess I will update in a few days...
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
From one year... to the next...
Well it's been a while since I last posted so I thought I better get on with it! A lot has happened in the few weeks since I last posted. I spent two and half of those weeks in England for Christmas/NewYear, visiting friends and family. And let me tell you: It. Was. Awesome.
School finished on Dec 15th, what a relief! I was a little upset as my flight home wasn't until Dec 22nd but this turned out to be a good thing. I found out at the beginning of December that I have to find somewhere else to live (the news I referred to in a previous post) and at the time I was quite upset about it. Again?! Really?!
After a few days I started to think it could be a good thing. It's important to see these moments as opportunities rather than road blocks or failures. Things happen for a reason. Maybe it's time for more freedom and to meet new people!!
Evie, my friend from school (also mentioned in a previous post) has been helping me to find somewhere to live. Her kindness took me by surprise - and what a wonderful surprise! She doesn't really know me that well but she has gone out of her way to help me. It's reassuring to know that there are still some good souls out there. So in a few weeks I will be moving in with a friend of hers - the place is closer to school which is convenient!
Anyway, staying in the US longer helped me to figure out my living situation. Once this was done and school was finished December 22nd I flew home - so excited! The first few days I spent with my family and friends in Bradford. Christmas was quiet, but nice and I spent it with my mum, brother, his friend Caoimhe and my friend Lindsay.
New years I spent in Durham with friends from camp, we had a wonderful hostel booked in the middle of nowhere. It's great to be able to see in the new year with people I don't get to see that often. After this I went up to Scotland to stay with my friend Jillian - what a great time :)
I then went back to Bradford to see more friends and family. I finally got to meet Oscar, the latest addition to my cousin Peter's family. He is adorable!! So happy and always laughing and smiling. When I had to fly back a few days later I was very sad and it made me realise how much I miss everyone back home. Sometimes living in America can be very lonely indeed.
Going back to new years, I have to admit there were a few incidents I wasn't too happy about. I have thought long and hard about whether to talk about them in this blog. All I can say is that if I have done wrong, then I apologise. Additionally, if I did something hurtful, it was never intentional. We are all responsible for our own actions and I am willing to take responsibility for mine. I may not always be perfect, make the right decision or make the choice that sits well with everyone else. But this is who I am. And for that, I will not apologise.
For so many years I have worried about what everyone else thinks of me and I have fought so desperately to be accepted. As a child I tried hard to do everything right, so hard, but it was never good enough. I was judged on everything I did, everyday. I remember once I was shouted at for putting clips in my hair. I didn't say anything and I didn't fight back. I cried. I remember how much I hated myself for being so weak.
When I was around the age of 18, I decided I wanted to be a make-up artist. "What do you want to do that for? You'll never make it". I remember saying that it was interesting and I wanted to do something for myself. I got a two word response "how selfish". That conversation has stayed with me since that day. For days after I questioned myself: "Am I selfish?" "Why should I have to do a job that I don't like just to make other people happy?" What I realise now is that if we aren't happy, how can we possibly make other people happy? One of the greatest gifts we can give to others is to be accepting of each others differences and show that we are happy with our own lives. I may not be any where near perfect on these things, but I am sure as hell trying!!
So, finally, I am tired of fighting. One of the most important lessons I have learnt is that to be accepted by others, we first have to learn to accept ourselves. If after that people don't accept you, well, life's too short, there's plenty more that will. If you don't like me, or my choices, that's fine. I can respect that. We're all different and I believe that we all have the right to decide how we live our lives. That includes being free from judgement and criticism, and not being punished. For one. little. mistake.
School finished on Dec 15th, what a relief! I was a little upset as my flight home wasn't until Dec 22nd but this turned out to be a good thing. I found out at the beginning of December that I have to find somewhere else to live (the news I referred to in a previous post) and at the time I was quite upset about it. Again?! Really?!
After a few days I started to think it could be a good thing. It's important to see these moments as opportunities rather than road blocks or failures. Things happen for a reason. Maybe it's time for more freedom and to meet new people!!
Evie, my friend from school (also mentioned in a previous post) has been helping me to find somewhere to live. Her kindness took me by surprise - and what a wonderful surprise! She doesn't really know me that well but she has gone out of her way to help me. It's reassuring to know that there are still some good souls out there. So in a few weeks I will be moving in with a friend of hers - the place is closer to school which is convenient!
Anyway, staying in the US longer helped me to figure out my living situation. Once this was done and school was finished December 22nd I flew home - so excited! The first few days I spent with my family and friends in Bradford. Christmas was quiet, but nice and I spent it with my mum, brother, his friend Caoimhe and my friend Lindsay.
New years I spent in Durham with friends from camp, we had a wonderful hostel booked in the middle of nowhere. It's great to be able to see in the new year with people I don't get to see that often. After this I went up to Scotland to stay with my friend Jillian - what a great time :)
I then went back to Bradford to see more friends and family. I finally got to meet Oscar, the latest addition to my cousin Peter's family. He is adorable!! So happy and always laughing and smiling. When I had to fly back a few days later I was very sad and it made me realise how much I miss everyone back home. Sometimes living in America can be very lonely indeed.
Going back to new years, I have to admit there were a few incidents I wasn't too happy about. I have thought long and hard about whether to talk about them in this blog. All I can say is that if I have done wrong, then I apologise. Additionally, if I did something hurtful, it was never intentional. We are all responsible for our own actions and I am willing to take responsibility for mine. I may not always be perfect, make the right decision or make the choice that sits well with everyone else. But this is who I am. And for that, I will not apologise.
For so many years I have worried about what everyone else thinks of me and I have fought so desperately to be accepted. As a child I tried hard to do everything right, so hard, but it was never good enough. I was judged on everything I did, everyday. I remember once I was shouted at for putting clips in my hair. I didn't say anything and I didn't fight back. I cried. I remember how much I hated myself for being so weak.
When I was around the age of 18, I decided I wanted to be a make-up artist. "What do you want to do that for? You'll never make it". I remember saying that it was interesting and I wanted to do something for myself. I got a two word response "how selfish". That conversation has stayed with me since that day. For days after I questioned myself: "Am I selfish?" "Why should I have to do a job that I don't like just to make other people happy?" What I realise now is that if we aren't happy, how can we possibly make other people happy? One of the greatest gifts we can give to others is to be accepting of each others differences and show that we are happy with our own lives. I may not be any where near perfect on these things, but I am sure as hell trying!!
So, finally, I am tired of fighting. One of the most important lessons I have learnt is that to be accepted by others, we first have to learn to accept ourselves. If after that people don't accept you, well, life's too short, there's plenty more that will. If you don't like me, or my choices, that's fine. I can respect that. We're all different and I believe that we all have the right to decide how we live our lives. That includes being free from judgement and criticism, and not being punished. For one. little. mistake.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I AM grateful...
It's been a while since I last posted but I have been super busy with schoolwork, the last few weeks of this semester are crazy!! I can't remember it being like this in my first semester. Anyway. I'm currently reading a book for one of my classes called "Educating Esme". It's AMAZING. It's about a teacher in her first year of teaching and is basically her diary published in book form. Now it got a few bad reviews on Amazon because people think Esme is smug and self-absorbed in her own wonderfulness. To be fair it is her diary with her own thoughts and feelings. Personally, I loved the book! Esme is an amazing writer and her creativity in the classroom truly inspirational. When reading the book I felt like I was right their in the classroom; all the successes, failures and frustrations. Madame Esme (as she likes to be called) pushes her students to their limits and expects excellence from all of them. By the end of the year ALL of her student's have advanced at LEAST one grade level... WOW. If I am half the teacher she is then I will be very happy!
The other thing that has struck me this week is how great the people are that I have in my life right now. I got some unexpected news the other week and people have been really supportive which has blown me away. I am so grateful to have friends like these and I would like to say a really big thank you to Pat and Stella. I really don't know how I will ever repay your kindness <3 Also, to my friend Evie at school who offered to help me even though she doesn't know me all that well... your awesome (she's an angel in disguise I swear!). I am so lucky to have these people in my life!
The other thing that has struck me this week is how great the people are that I have in my life right now. I got some unexpected news the other week and people have been really supportive which has blown me away. I am so grateful to have friends like these and I would like to say a really big thank you to Pat and Stella. I really don't know how I will ever repay your kindness <3 Also, to my friend Evie at school who offered to help me even though she doesn't know me all that well... your awesome (she's an angel in disguise I swear!). I am so lucky to have these people in my life!
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Happy Thanksgiving!
I've been wanting to write for the past few days but haven't seemed to be able to find the time. I won't get time to post tomorrow as I'm going upstate to spend Thanksgiving with some friends so here we go...
Monday night in one of my classes some student's gave a presentation on teaching - is it a 24/7 job?? They took the angle of professionalism. Hmmm I could already tell I was going to have a few opinions on this. One of the main points was that teachers in some states are being told that they cannot be friends with their student's on facebook.... well isn't that common sense?! Who wants their student's (and possibly their parents!) digging around in their personal lives?! I certainly don't. As teacher's we have to maintain some sort of boundaries.
The group also looked at individual cases of teacher's who had been suspended or fired because of incriminating pictures. Said teacher's were fired/suspended due to the presence of alcohol in the pictures... well aren't teachers allowed to have a personal life too?! I saw the pictures and the teacher's involved did not look in any way intoxicated, just like they were out for a meal with friends. Why is this such a bad thing?? Are teacher's not supposed to touch alcohol for the rest of their lives?! Surely that what teacher's decide to do in their personal lives is their choice (obviously within reason, if they were doing something illegal then that's another matter)??!! Ooooooh it rubs my back up! The worst thing is that other teacher's who were known to have gone out with the teacher who got fired were not even given a warning! What is going on in this world of ours today?! Why is this okay?!?!
Finally the group talked about parents expectations. Teacher's should be teaching children how to behave, how to have respect, how to treat other people etc etc. Well, er, shouldn't this start at home?! The best way to see it is this: the parent's are the child's first teacher and the teacher is the second. I do believe teacher's SHOULD be reinforcing the above things but they have to start in the home. Parents have to be accountable too. Teacher's only have a limited number of hours they spend with their student's; we also have to take into account that there are normally around 20-30 student's in each classroom. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not writing about this to get anyones back up... they're my own opinions and everyone is entitled to their own :) I know I sometimes have strong opinions, but I believe that everyone is entitled to their own life and we all have a choice as to how we live it. So anyway, enough! Happy Thanksgiving everyone, enjoy!!!
Monday night in one of my classes some student's gave a presentation on teaching - is it a 24/7 job?? They took the angle of professionalism. Hmmm I could already tell I was going to have a few opinions on this. One of the main points was that teachers in some states are being told that they cannot be friends with their student's on facebook.... well isn't that common sense?! Who wants their student's (and possibly their parents!) digging around in their personal lives?! I certainly don't. As teacher's we have to maintain some sort of boundaries.
The group also looked at individual cases of teacher's who had been suspended or fired because of incriminating pictures. Said teacher's were fired/suspended due to the presence of alcohol in the pictures... well aren't teachers allowed to have a personal life too?! I saw the pictures and the teacher's involved did not look in any way intoxicated, just like they were out for a meal with friends. Why is this such a bad thing?? Are teacher's not supposed to touch alcohol for the rest of their lives?! Surely that what teacher's decide to do in their personal lives is their choice (obviously within reason, if they were doing something illegal then that's another matter)??!! Ooooooh it rubs my back up! The worst thing is that other teacher's who were known to have gone out with the teacher who got fired were not even given a warning! What is going on in this world of ours today?! Why is this okay?!?!
Finally the group talked about parents expectations. Teacher's should be teaching children how to behave, how to have respect, how to treat other people etc etc. Well, er, shouldn't this start at home?! The best way to see it is this: the parent's are the child's first teacher and the teacher is the second. I do believe teacher's SHOULD be reinforcing the above things but they have to start in the home. Parents have to be accountable too. Teacher's only have a limited number of hours they spend with their student's; we also have to take into account that there are normally around 20-30 student's in each classroom. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not writing about this to get anyones back up... they're my own opinions and everyone is entitled to their own :) I know I sometimes have strong opinions, but I believe that everyone is entitled to their own life and we all have a choice as to how we live it. So anyway, enough! Happy Thanksgiving everyone, enjoy!!!
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